EAST HAMPTON, NY—Defending her 81-year-old husband in the wake of his highly criticized debate performance, first lady Jill Biden reportedly assured an audience of Democratic donors Monday that she “hit[s] that on the daily,” referring to President Joe Biden. “To any doubters of my husband’s virility, let me just start out by saying that I hit that every single night, and it’s magnificent,” Dr. Biden said at a fundraiser, winking as she held up a special cushion that she claimed she had to sit on during her flight to New York while icing her “worn out” pelvis. “No, my husband is not a young man, but his age doesn’t prevent him from regularly pounding the ever-living shit out of me, raw and wet. You may rest assured that our nation’s commander in chief is relaxed and clear-minded each day from having busted so hard the night before. For anyone wondering if Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. is still up to the task of the presidency, I submit as evidence the handprints on my raw red ass, which show the man in the Oval Office is a pure fuck machine capable of making me come again and again and again, the way the leader of the free world should.” Dr. Biden went on to say that the president only stumbled during the debate last week because his mouth was so tired from a night spent “jowls deep” in her pussy.