Orcas Explain Why They Are Attacking Boats

“I’m trying to fuck it, not attack it.”

“I guess I’m just lashing out because I don’t feel in control. I grew up in a difficult family where physical abuse was the norm. I just don’t know any different.”

“We tried peaceful protests. They failed. Now, you pay.”

“The female orcas aren’t having sex with us, and we’ve been radicalized by online forums known to predicate violence.”

“You fucking disgusting flesh bipeds pollute the ocean and make that demeaning aquaticist shit like SpongeBob SquarePants and then ask us why we’re finally stand up for ourselves?”

“I want to attack a plane, but those fuckers are just too goddamn high up.”

“I didn’t do nothin’, I didn’t see nothin’.”

“I’m just living by the word of the Lord put forth in the King James Bible.”

“It’s a TikTok trend.”

“A seagull dared me to do it.”

“I want $600,000 in cash dropped off at Praia da Adraga cove in a waterproof bag by 2 p.m. tomorrow.”

“The girl, the one we orcas call Greta One Braid, told us to.”

“What the fuck? I’m not a whale! Are you calling me fat? Keep an eye out because you’ll definitely be hearing from my attorney.”

“I’m just really angry. I’ve been watching a bunch of Jordan Peterson videos and reading up on libertarianism, and I feel like ramming against boats is at least a safety valve to take out some of those feelings.”

“Wait, how did all these other orcas get human names?”

“I’ve just got a malformed pituitary gland that makes me irrationally angry. Frankly, those boats didn’t do anything wrong, and they don’t deserve this.”

“That cheating sonuvabitch sea captain knows exactly why!”

“Their anchor bonked me on the head right in the middle of a big work presentation. I tried to leave the room to collect myself, and my pants got caught on one of their nets and ripped. I looked like a huge fucking idiot in front of the investors and didn’t get the promotion I was up for.”

“Attacking? We’re just trying to play a game where we beat the shit out of their boats until they sink and then we eat everyone onboard.”

“No, no, no— not that Roman Polanski! No relation, seriously! I’m an orca over here, guys!”

“I have to destroy at least three boats for gang initiation.”

“Those boats know what they did.”

“Dude thinks just because he’s bigger than me he can make a pass at my sea lion girlfriend? No way.”

“You may notice there’s a few of us with this last name. That’s because it’s like Smith or Johnson down here. Okay, thanks for stopping by.”