Olympians Describe Their Biggest Heartbreaks At The Games

“My silver medal turned my neck all green.”

“Definitely when I found out boats could have motors on them. I mean, I’ve been canoeing all this time, and for what?”

“I would’ve loved to have ended up in a wheelchair to appease a bunch of people who didn’t give a shit about gymnastics until a week ago.”

“The first time I set foot in an Olympic swimming pool, I ballooned up like a sponge, my body absorbing every last drop of water until the pool was completely dry.”

“After all the hard work I put into winning a gold medal, I was devastated that they played ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ and not the national anthem I specifically wrote for the occasion.”

“Being born in one of the countries with infinite resources to spend on their athletes’ world-class training would be something I’d do differently next time.”

“My hand slipped, and the javelin went through half a dozen camera men and formed a sort of human kebab.”

“It was tough having to euthanize my horse during the 1992 games after he broke his leg, but it had to be done. And, on the bright side, we got a lot of good meat out of Buttercup.”

“I was halfway through the women’s 400m freestyle final when I realized I had gotten turned around at some point and had ended up lost in the Pacific Ocean.”

“My head fell off.”

“I left my swimsuit at home and had to use one of the gross rental suits that they just spray with disinfectant between swimmers.”

“I was really excited to compete against Mark Spitz, but apparently he retired in 1972.”

“They have some pretty nice soap bars in the restrooms, but they don’t even have any soap dishes to put them in, so my soap is just lying on the bathroom counter in my room, loose.”

“Winning a gold medal as a teenager. Now, it’s all downhill from here for the rest of my life. That’s decades of my existence that will never live up to this moment. It’s awful.”

“Time zone difference has taken a real toll on my Twitter engagement.”

“I always hoped I would sprint so fast that I would tear open a wormhole and travel back in time to stop WWI from happening by killing Gavrilo Princip before he could assassinate Archduke Franz Ferdinand, but I was never able to.”

“I never would’ve competed if I thought I had any chance of taking down a satellite and being forced to pay for it.”

“I should’ve showed my opponent mercy instead of giving in to the bloodthirsty howls of the crowd.”

“If I’d done any damn research at all, I would’ve realized a cartwheel is actually a very basic maneuver.”

“I didn’t finish the 2004 Athens marathon because I found a bunch of blackberries along the path and filled up my arms with them. I ate as many as I could, but basically, I had to choose between those blackberries and winning. And then I thought about a blackberry cobbler. Oh, baby, blackberry cobbler with some freshly whipped cream? Forget about it.”

“Being eaten by a shark during my first heat really rocked my confidence.”

“I saw I was trending on Twitter, and for a moment my heart leapt, thinking my custom T-shirt business had finally taken off, but then I saw it was only for my stupid gold medal.”

“Swimming 4,554 miles from New York City to Mexico City in 2016 only to find that the games were in Rio that year.”