Celebrities React To Their Ratings On Wikifeet

“Nice! A perfect 600 score. One point for every toe.”

“I guess I have to come clean. Those aren’t really my feet—they’re a pair of slippers made to look like bear paws that I wear under all my shoes.”

“Not fair. That was taken first thing in the morning, and my feet hadn’t put on makeup yet.”

“Fuck Wikifeet. Use Tarsal, my artist-owned HiFi foot-ranking service.”

“Zero stars is bullshit. I know lots of people who have a hoof fetish.”

“For the last time, those are eyebrows.”

“Those are definitely pics of when my feet were underage. They’re still underage, actually, they only grew there five years ago. You’re doing child foot porn if you look at them. Sorry, boys!”

“Not too bad! Almost makes me regret cutting them off and mailing them to Margot Robbie.”

“Hey, what gives? Why are my feet blacked out and listed as ‘forbidden’?”

“If you think that’s good, check out my rating on Wikielbow.”

“I guess I kind of brought this on myself.”

“I don’t care what rating he gave them; Julian Assange is a traitor!”

“Of course I got five stars. These feet can bench over 300 pounds.”

“I’m a little offended it’s not higher considering I’m engaged to the founder.”

“That’s not fair, they’re only rating two of them, and those aren’t even the good ones.”

“It’s great! Look how peaceful they are, not kicking anyone or anything like that!”

“Those aren’t even my real feet. That’s how good of an actress I am.”

“No, do not tell me they ascribe numbers to flesh!!! Flesh is a quality not a quantity and mustn’t be assessed as such! Tell me adjectives of the flesh, descriptions of the flesh, exquisite tales of how the flesh makes you feel! But O, please do not reduce such a tapestry of flesh to a single number!”

“That’s one fetish I’ll never understand.”

“Ugh. Don’t bring it up, it’s the reason Tom and I got divorced. I walked in on him rating mine average.”

“I think it’s technically bestiality for me to score above a 2.5.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know? The church of Scientology has shielded my feet for decades.”

“I’m flattered, but you fellas should know that my feet don’t have any genitals.”

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