The Onion Looks Back On The Greatest Quarterback To Lose 3 Super Bowls

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Tom Brady Rips Into His Nutritional Supplements For Letting Him Down In Big Game

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Hertz Hopeful New Football Player Spokesperson Doesn’t Murder Two People This Time Around

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Tom Brady Refuses Request To Throw Touchdown For Kid With Cancer To Avoid Glorifying Unhealthy Lifestyle

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Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice

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Tom Brady Awakens From Week-Long Kombucha Bender To Discover He’s A Tampa Bay Buccaneer

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Confiscated Patriots Videotapes Contain Extensive Footage Of Tom Brady Showering

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Cryptic Bill Belichick Insists He’s Never Heard Of A Man Named Tom Brady

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Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady’s Knee Injury

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Eli Manning Wins Biggest Game Of Tom Brady’s Life

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Patriots’ Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation

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Hush Falls Over Patriots Camp As Tom Brady’s First 10 Passes Go 3 Yards

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Tom Brady Clearly Receiving Preferential Treatment From NFL

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Tom Brady: ‘I’d Have Booed Us Too, But Patriots Fans Are Still Ungrateful Front-Running Shitheads’

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Area Man Wonders What Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Talk About

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Unscathed Tom Brady Walks Away From Car Crash In Slow Motion

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After Watching Tom Brady Highlight, Every Man, Woman, And Child In America Dreams Of Love

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Massachusetts Evacuated To Prevent Any Contact With Tom Brady’s Knee

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Tom Brady: ‘Joe Montana Sucks And I Am Better Than Him’

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Nation Can’t Wait To Hear Patriots Fans’ Excuses This Time

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Nation Prepares For Long Week Of Seeing Photos Of Tom Brady Lifting Super Bowl Trophy

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Resilient Tom Brady Critics Already Looking Ahead To Next Season

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Tom Brady Keeps Referring To Self As ‘Golden Boy’ While Denying Cheating Allegations

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Roger Goodell Vows To Punish Whoever Responsible For Suspending Tom Brady

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Tom Brady Haunted By Destroyed Cell Phone Ringing Beneath Floorboards

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Panicking Tom Brady Unable To Stop Smirking Since Suspension Overturned

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Patriots Hoping Emaciated Tom Brady Will End Hunger Strike Over Suspension Appeal In Time For Training Camp

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Tom Brady Dedicates Patriots’ Victory To America’s Cold-Blooded Goliaths

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Roger Goodell Dumps Box With Broken Pieces Of Lombardi Trophy In Front Of Tom Brady

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Brandin Cooks Receives Call From Tom Brady Saying How Excited He Is To Be Tom Brady

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Tom Brady Applies Eye Black To Crow’s Feet

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Embarrassed Health Guru Informs Tom Brady He’s Been Mistakenly Following Toxic Diet Regimen

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Tom Brady Admits To Playing With Matt Ryan’s Chip On Shoulder

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Tom Brady Unfazed By Completely Detached Right Hand

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Tom Brady Reveals That Humanity Will Perish Long Before He Retires

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Aging Tom Brady Decides To Conserve Energy By No Longer Returning Kicks

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Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water

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‘No God, Please Not Now,’ Yells Rapidly Aging Tom Brady As Old Crone’s Spell Begins To Wear Off During Super Bowl

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‘This One Means The Least Of All,’ Says Tom Brady Accepting Super Bowl Trophy

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Patriots Bring Up Young Rookie From Practice Squad To Provide Fresh Blood For Tom Brady

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