Convicted Felons Give Trump Advice For Going To Prison

“Don’t fuck with the Dominion Voting Machines. Those guys are crazy.”

“Remember to dance. Remember to smile. Remember that your inner light will always shine no matter where you are.”

“Come up with some fun facts about yourself now, because the orientation ice breakers are way harder when you’re trying to think of something on the spot.”

“Make sure absolutely all the excrement is out of the toilet before making wine.”

“Don’t get fully rehabilitated too quickly, or you won’t have anything to do for the rest of your sentence.”

“I’m not trying to scare you, but you’re going to be in very close proximity to a library.”

“Your time in prison will be a lot easier if you just kill yourself on the first day.”

“Gang tattoos should be small and tasteful.”

“Make your cell block feel more like home by adding throw pillows.”

“The nutraloaf they serve in the mess is surprisingly tasty if you just top it with some smuggled garlic salt, pancetta, foie gras, and caviar.”

“Pace your stabbings out throughout the week, or else your stabbing arm is going to be sore by Thursday.”

“One pro tip is that you can always ask a corrections officer to swap places with you, if you get bored of prison. And then you can go home and make love with their wives and enjoy the outside world. They have to do it. It’s the law.”

“Sometimes, you can get out of prison early if you escape.”

“Killing 10 people in increasingly horrific fashion before you get arrested is a great way to garner respect and fear in your cellblock.”

“You gotta convert to Islam, man. That’s what people do in here. It’s just the thing.”

“Make a good impression by arriving to your first day of prison 15 minutes early.”

“If you tell them you’re flat-footed, they’re not allowed to put you in there.”

“Check Yelp reviews before deciding on an escape tunnel contractor.”

“Well, the big thing is if you expect Elvis to be in here in his signature black-and-white-striped jumpsuit singing ‘Jailhouse Rock’ 24/7, you’re in for a disappointment. He’s only around, like, once every few months, and then sometimes on holidays.”

“There’s a ton of stuff you can rub your body on, if you know how to look.”

“The nightly pillow fights can seem overwhelming at first, but they’re all in good fun. Don’t spoil your appetite with the popcorn when we watch a movie—there’s midnight pizza coming!”

“You’re gonna want to join the Former President gang.”

“Make sure you don’t tattoo the map of the wrong prison on your back like I did.”

“Cherish your yesterdays, dream your tomorrows, and live your todays!!!”

“Sneak in your own gravy boat. There will not be one you can borrow.”

“If you put your mind to it, you can get really handy with stuff. Like, for example, I made a computer out of a bunch of pillows and nutraloaf and spoons I smuggled into my cell.”

“Once you get out, you have about a year or so to drop an album to get that post-prison-release sales bump.”

“Never apologize.”