Since Mar-a-Lago was raided on Aug. 8, 2022, the FBI has fielded an unprecedented number of threats against its personnel and property. The Onion asked conservatives why they do not trust the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and this is what they said.
“How can we trust an agency that won’t even drag Hillary Clinton out of her home and execute her in the street?”
“They work for the government, unlike regular police.”
“They think they can just show up whenever they want and lawfully execute a warrant.”
“There’s no FBI in the Bible.”
“They hog all the good microphones.”
“They know everything about me but share nothing of themselves.”
“I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.”
“‘Bureau’ sounds Mexican.”
“Not shadowy enough.”
“How does confiscating top-secret documents from an unsecured location in the home of an erratic, senile old man make us any safer?”
“A coercive and deadly apparatus of the state, especially one tasked with enforcing a code of law that is already nothing but the vagaries of political self-preservation, should always be feared when it targets white people.”
“I’m a hardcore State Department fan.”
“I’ll never forgive them for assassinating the original Big Bird.”
“They still haven’t caught me, after I’ve left so many clues.”
“Every day criminals go unpunished while the FBI uses my tax dollars to buy themselves a bunch of fancy windbreakers.”
“The federal government is corrupt from top to bottom, with the exception of like five or six mailmen.”
“They broke into our home in the middle of the night and murdered my father in cold blood.”
“Look, I’m just telling you what Fox News told me I think now.”