Breaking NewsBreaking NewsGod Laments Losing Only Son To Video Game AddictionTHE HEAVENS—Describing the experience as among the most painful a father can go through, the Lord God Almighty…PublishedJune 10, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsMillions Dead After God Accidentally Drops AC Unit Out Of HeavenTHE HEAVENS—Despite the deity swearing He had secured “that piece of shit” properly, millions were confirmed dead…PublishedJune 7, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsThe Onion Remembers Steve Bannon, Trump’s Most Encrusted AdvisorPublishedJune 6, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsStudy Finds Suicide Rate Higher Among Noose OwnersBETHESDA, MD—Shedding new light on the dangers of rope tied into a hangman’s knot, a study from the National…PublishedJune 6, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsTemu Selling Uyghur Muslim For $1.49SHANGHAI—In an offer promoted heavily on banner ads across the internet, Chinese e-commerce platform Temu began…PublishedJune 6, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsNation Forgets What It Was They Didn’t Like About O.J. SimpsonWASHINGTON—Saying they couldn’t remember exactly why they’d written off the talented, charismatic, and attractive…PublishedJune 4, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsChick-Fil-A Admits To Enjoying Prostate Stimulation On OccasionATLANTA—Several years after ceasing donations to anti-LGBT organizations and taking steps to unravel the culture of…PublishedJune 3, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsOther Things Nikki Haley Wrote On Israeli MissilesNikki Haley recently came under fire for a photo that has surfaced from her trip to Israel in which she can be seen…PublishedJune 3, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsJimmy Carter Becomes Second President Convicted Of Felony For Sticking Up Waffle HousePLAINS, GA—On the heels of Donald Trump receiving guilty verdicts on 34 felony counts in New York, Jimmy Carter…PublishedMay 31, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsSulking Trump Totally Unable To Enjoy Advanced Screening Of ‘Bad Boys: Ride Or Die’PALM BEACH, FL—Finding his mind was simply elsewhere, a sulking Donald Trump was totally unable to enjoy an…PublishedMay 31, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsHims Now Selling Bags Of Chips For Depressed, Impotent Losers Who Are Also HungrySAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to better cater to its target market, telehealth company Hims has reportedly begun…PublishedMay 31, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsNation Shrugs After Hearing Trump Guilty Verdict, Unpauses ‘MILF Manor’NEW YORK—In the wake of the landmark trial that made him the first person to both serve as president of the United…PublishedMay 30, 2024
Breaking NewsNews In PhotosBreaking NewsNews In PhotosBREAKING: BIG WORDS MEAN BIG THING HAPPENPublishedMay 30, 2024
Breaking NewsNews In PhotosBreaking NewsNews In PhotosTrump: ‘We’ll Take This All The Way To The Supreme Court I Appointed’PublishedMay 30, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsTrump Boys Attempt To Bribe Juror With Briefcase Full Of Grape UncrustablesNEW YORK—Cornering the man in a darkened parking garage as he walked toward his car, the Trump boys reportedly…PublishedMay 30, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsWorld Series Of Poker Entrants Play One Hand Face-Up So Everyone Can Learn RulesLAS VEGAS—Promising to take the first few rounds really slow for anybody who still needed to get their bearings,…PublishedMay 30, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsSamuel Alito: ‘I Tried To Take The Flag Down, But My Wife Hit Me. She Hits Me Every Night’WASHINGTON—Casting blame on his wife for the controversial flag that flew outside his home, Supreme Court Justice…PublishedMay 30, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsNew Hormone-Free IUD Wards Off Sperm With Steady Emission Of Police-Grade Pepper SprayNEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Calling it a breakthrough product for anyone not wishing to become pregnant, medical technology…PublishedMay 30, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsDialect Coach Hired To Class Up Nation Before Big Date With Wealthy ManWASHINGTON—As part of a new nationwide etiquette initiative, a dialect coach was reportedly hired Wednesday to class…PublishedMay 29, 2024
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsDermatologists Advise Against Taking Bite Of Facial Cream‘It Looks Like Vanilla Pudding But Tastes Real Bad,’ Confirm Medical SpecialistsPublishedMay 29, 2024